#TheBestYes week 3: God Wink

“Choices and consequences come in package deals. When we make a choice, we ignite the consequences that can come along with it.” –Lysa TerKeurst, “The Best Yes”

               God has blessed me with a Bible study of three. I meet with two young girls, the 17 year old is confident in who she is in Christ, has a strong Faith background through her parents, has found she is gifted and talented softball player, awesome at serving with children and singing. The biggest decision she is facing now is which college gets her. She is beautiful from the inside out and from a limited perspective on her life you would think she didn’t have a care in the world, that her life was comfortable, cozy and stress free. We come from two different worlds. At 17 I was a closet and high functioning alcoholic. While active in High School, a caretaker for my baby brother and already a hard worker the facade I had of being all together was paper thin.  The biggest decision facing me that year was how I would survive having to start my life over while choosing a college who would be stuck with me; I had been kicked out of my home because my Mother’s boyfriend hated me for being all the things he wasn’t: support for my Mom, having an obsessive work ethic and a great influence (yes even with an alcohol problem) for my baby brother. I didn’t have nor did I want God in my life let alone Jesus. From a limited perspective of my life you knew I was a mess and no one expected me to go to college, move very far from home and amounting to anything much, especially someone who could be loved.  

               The Bible Study has us reading, “Spoken For” by Alyssa Bethke and Robin Jones Gunn. Last April I felt God leading me to reach out to young woman and help them see how deeply He loves them. Help them to live confidently as Jesus girls who He pursues to have an intimate relationship with them. I had no idea then who God had for me to share this journey with but I knew I had to buy the book and get started with this ministry. The book has delivered, is even more of a blessing than I ever could have imagined. We are open and honest with each other and turns out even a charmed life has its stress and anxiety. God reaches out to that beautiful 17 year old with His promises of never leaving us nor forsaking us just as He reaches out to me.

“Spoken For” and “The Best Yes” collided in my life. I got to the middle of chapter 8 and that quote above glared at me. Not only did God need me to share how loved we are as his precious daughters but that even a messy life filled with many mistakes can be used to glorify Him. I wrote, “Must share with girls. Girls, regrets sting forever. God forgives and forgets our trespasses and God can help bring us to victory in forgiving ourselves but we never forget. Some mistakes leave scars that may never heal over in the corner of our minds.” This week at our home church the Pastor stood and declared, “Shame is often a wound that never scabs over.” WOW! Talk about a powerful message to turn to when the pressures of high school are haunting you. When fitting in: cursing, dressing provocatively or gossiping is easier than being a light for Jesus. When ministering to your friends and class mates seems a burden too big and unfair to carry at such a tender age. When you are facing that first year away from home, away from the Christian stability and accountability you have had your whole life will be so far away.

               When God speaks the same message through many different mediums I call it a God wink, so does she. Both of us are chosen, treasured and beloved to the King of Kings. The Creator of the universe put us together in this moment of time so I can see the beauty of being loved by a Mom who loves Jesus. So I can look back at one of the worst years of my life and thank God for bringing me through it even though I hated Him at the same time. Our Lord is showing her through me and other mentors that His wisdom is available to her when she is ready and willing to listen. God is good all the time, all the time God is good!

If you stay away from sin you will be like one of these dishes made of purest gold - the very best in the house – so that Christ himself can use you for His highest purposes. 2 Timothy 2:21TLB

#TheBestYes Week 2 and my Big Takeaway

So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:9-10 MSG

As I read through #TheBestYes this week as well as the testimonies in my FB Group, watched and read the P31 OBS Blog; one lesson was clear: God provides wisdom and expects us to choose to live our lives not only loving and obeying Him but applying wisdom, His wisdom to our everyday decisions. It was the first time I saw wisdom from the Bible in this way. I study the Bible and consider myself a student of God’s word so I am always learning but I know that is a gift and not how most people approach their spiritual life. I knew the book of Proverbs might as well be called the book of wisdom but I thought of it more as guidelines or advice. What Lysa Terkeurst (and Beth Moore) do for me, empowered by the Holy Spirit, is make God’s truth applicable to my everyday life, they show me how to take what I am learning and live it out. I always relied on them making His word come to life in such a way that my life would be improved but never really considered taking what I was reading in the Bible and using it as a road map for making every decision. God’s words are comfort when I am down, light when darkness is rising up, encouragement when I am hard on myself, a love letter from my Abba Father when the pain of not having an earthly father, a father of origin stings, motivation when life seems too hard to live, a lesson in how sin can destroy us and the most beautiful love story ever told when I am feeling unlovable but now it advices me for my day ahead. Take Philippians 1:9-10, which I have copied above. A week ago I would have looked at that verse and seen Jesus saying to me, “this is why you are celibate; I need you to be equipped with the way the Father and I love before you will ever be ready to have a romantic relationship again. This my precious daughter is why we don’t shoot off an email response or text when someone has pushed the wrong button and you take a minute to talk with us because those feelings you have are fickle and fleeting and when you see things from my perspective you can love that person instead of hate.” Now, I hear those things but I also hear how I am supposed to read a legal document someone who hurt me deeply needs me to read and sign, “Don’t hold back precious because you were hurt, look at this piece of paper as an assignment I have given you. Use the love I have for you and this other daughter of mine, love I have set apart as a tool to read the document. It is an act of love for me not an act of service for her. Don’t see the hurt Melissa; see the assignment which will be over and done as soon as we do it together instead of acting like it didn’t exist and keeping it hidden at church.” Some assignments God has for us are small: doing the dishes so you can have a stress free and focused time with Him and others like serving every week at church require a physical, emotional, spiritual and maybe even financial commitment. God may not actually have had Paul write you name in the Bible, the Holy Spirit may not have led those men to write about your exact issue that is troubling your heart but if you take a moment and read the Bible asking God for what wisdom He has for you there is a promise from me to you that it’s there. Ask and you shall receive. I wasn’t even asking tonight for wisdom about that  document, I was asking Him what He wanted me to blog about this week, He led me to open “The Best Yes” and review what He had for me this week and Lysa had this verse for us on the third page of our first chapter this week and because I had taken the time to look up the verse in another translation I had a note in the margin, “MSG translation is great: learn to love appropriately.”

And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, ¹⁰ so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, Philippians 1:9-10 ESV

#TheBestYes, Week 1: My Best Yes

As I began reading #TheBestYes this past week I realized my best but hardest yes were a story I needed to tell. God has given us a manual and road map in His word. As I was writing the story out Jeremiah 6:16 came to mind. I stood, I looked and finally I asked God where I should go and I have been on the tried and true road ever since. 

Go stand at the crossroads and look around.
    Ask for directions to the old road,
The tried-and-true road. Then take it.
    Discover the right route for your souls.

-Jeremiah 6:16a MSG

 

     When it became overwhelming obvious that I could no longer work my greatest fear was I would find myself sitting at home waiting to die. The irony is that was only days after I was hospitalized because I had reached a point in my lack of understanding my grief that I couldn’t imagine living with the secret pain any longer. I have had over the years a basic understanding of why I held onto my ability to work as long as I did but not until this week had it all been this clear. At that point I had heard God calling me to stop working myself sick for over a year. The last year I did work I was on medical leave nearly as much as I was actually able to go into the office but knowing my job was waiting for me, that people were depending on me was often the only thing that lifted my spirits. I was essential to the proper running of my office and like alcohol, smokes, cocaine and sometimes food before the drug to people please and be co-dependently relied on was addicting. While I have only audibly heard God speak to me once the impression He was making on my heart to stop and lean on Him alone, to cling to the promises I read about every day and live the limited life I had left for Him alone was anything but subtle.

     Medically cleared to return to work after my forced mental health trip to the hospital I returned to work for the last time. It was an angel and demon on each shoulder kind of day. There was calm peace flowing through me and I would slash at it, grasping wildly to working. My greatest joy at work was helping customers face one of the toughest days of their lives. Jesus supplied a compassion and mercy that eased even the weariest of victims. That day it was gone. I was frustrated with their pain, after all wasn’t mine so much worse. I was angered by the neediness of my coworkers. I spent most of the day hiding in bathrooms and storage rooms. When I engaged the peace God was giving me I would walk out scared but confident I needed to quit and seconds later determined to fix myself. My boss had been at our corporate headquarters all day, as he walked through the door we made eye contact and tears pooled in my eyes. I knew I had lost the fight. We had been friends before his promotion; I had actually helped him get hired with the company. He spoke the words out loud God had been whispering to me all day. “Melissa you can’t do this anymore. You are killing yourself. Something broke inside of you and the only way you can get better is by stepping down. You have lost the best parts of you over these past few months and I can’t stand to see you in so much physical, emotional and mental pain.” I was disappointed in myself that I hadn’t let God’s whisper be enough. In the hours and days after I was laid off I realized in all of my fighting and arguing with God I never once questioned the finances. I never said to Him but God my medicines and doctors are so expensive what will I do without insurance. I knew He had all of that figured out. It didn’t surprise me when my boss said, “Let me lay you off so you will be covered with insurance through the next month and receive unemployment so you have time to get everything figured out.” I was warned that social security would take at least five months and three rejections before I was approved. It didn’t. First try they not only approved me but because I had started working so young and had worked so hard through college I had paid fully into social security. God had the details worked out and the blessings ready to flow, He was simply waiting for me to say yes, to give Him #TheBestYes I could at that moment in my life. I started intensive Christian counseling a couple times a week through my home church paid in full by our Helps ministry, had unfettered hours with God every day, went away to a friend’s parents’ house in a small town in Wisconsin for almost three weeks and unplugged. When I got back from that trip Lysa TerKeurst’s book “Unglued” had been waiting in my mailbox, P31 was starting the OBS for it and my local Christian radio station was studying it with an intimate group of woman via Hangout once a week. Studying that book was one of the two most healing things in the first six months of this season of my life. Of course, the first was also waiting for me when I got home: Steel and Colton, the two additions that completed the Zeller family and an answer to a prayer that helped sustain me, a precious gift from God that gave me a reason to want to stay here on this planet and live out His will. The phone call from the State letting Traci and Marcus know there were two boys, half-brothers that needed immediate and most likely permanent placement came a week after I walked away from working. God needed me to have the time to give to my best friend and her family as it grew from one boy to three. I forget to often how magnificent God’s timing is, especially when it came to July and August of 2012. 

Go stand at the crossroads and look around.
    Ask for directions to the old road,
The tried-and-true road. Then take it.
    Discover the right route for your souls.

-Jeremiah 6:16a MSG

Trails Come So That... Another Blog in a Blog hopless week

Trails come so that…

Trails come so that our faith can be battle tested. So that we are humbled and desperate for God’s truth to complete us by studying and obeying His life giving word. Trails come so that Christ is my everything; so that I can learn to rely on Christ’s power and let go of who I am and what I can do, which is an allusion because I am powerless to do anything without Christ’s redeeming love, forgiveness, grace and mercy! Trails come so that we may believe. So that we run to Jesus, run expectantly and confidently that the Lord of Lords will and does work anything for His good! Trails come so that we can react from God’s truth and not from our own feelings which are fleeting, often fueled by lies and can feed the flesh more than the Spirit. Lysa TerKeurst writes, “Feelings are indicators not dictators.” If we are clinging to God’s truth trails help us to overcome anything in God’s strength, power, grace and love.

At the end of week 4, “Living So That” author Wendy Blight changed us\called us to action to commit to taking the first steps in obedience regarding the chapter we have just completed and suggested we journal and write a prayer. My step is sharing my calling and why and how God equipped me for it. It has been less than a month since I heard God calling me to a specific ministry. He has been lovingly pushing me to embrace writing again for years but fear kept me from embracing my gift. Instead I journaled occasionally and hoped that writing Bible study curriculum for my small groups would be just enough to keep the Holy Spirit from motivating me to open my heart and share the mess that was my life and rejoice that I have been redeemed and that mess is now a message. At the beginning of “Living So That” I asked my Facebook study group to pray for me and keep me accountable because I knew God wanted me to start a blog, He called me last summer to do just that but after only one entry a major, heartbreaking trail hit and I huffed and puffed and instead of healing through God’s calling I allowed myself to fall into a deep pit of darkness not believing I was ever meant to get my message out, I basically pulled a Moses and told God He had called the wrong girl because I was not capable. I am not capable but God is. While I do everything I can to live a life of blind faith and absolute obedience to my Lord and Savior and try to shine Jesus, joy and peace despite my terminal lung condition I had chosen to build a wall around my writing and even though Jesus could have come barging in He waited patiently for me to smash through, step over the rubble of self-doubt, fear and past hurt and run into His arms. My calling is to reach women who don’t know how loved and precious they are in the eyes of Jesus. Woman who know Jesus but have chosen a path of rebellion or chosen to stay trapped inside a spiral of guilt and shame; woman who have only know self-hatred, self-doubt and loathing and mostly to reach young girls who have been burdened by their own mother’s lack of self-confidence and fears. I grew up being told I wasn’t good enough, I was to different and strange and the only love I ever had from extended family, from people I craved love and attention from the most only came when I served them, only came if I shut myself off and lived for them. I was born to a Father who literally chose booze and drugs over time with me, a Father who never accepted my baby brother for the gift he was because of his mental and motor handicaps. When Jesus entered my heart and life I knew unconditional love for the first time in my life and all of the negative labels and conditional love I had experienced growing up stopped being the toxic anchor weighing me down and having me count myself out. I was saved January 18, 2009 around 12:25 pm and twelve short hours later I was rushed to the emergency room as the first signs of my terminal lung condition roared their ugly head. That trail came so I could experience God in a way I don’t think that broken and bruised girl I had been ever could have. God allowed me to be stripped of myself so I could be filled with Him. The enemy knew what God had always known that I was formed in my mother’s womb, considered by the world as a vulgar mistake that threatened the life my family of origin had built for themselves to bring Glory, Honor and Praise to by Abba Father. I thank God every day because being told I was dying a slow, agonizing death at the age of 28 gave me more peace and freedom than the first 28 years of living every did!

My Prayer: Father God thank you for this amazing week I have had with strong lung function and being pain free. You have blessed me by getting me up and out of the house to live this life you have for me. Thank you for blessing me with five amazing kids in my life that fill me with joy and allow me to experience their beautiful lives that are filled with You. I feel like that it is a second chance to experience Family the way you intended. Help me Jesus to keep my eyes on You, to keep me Eternity and Kingdom focused and to only speak Your life giving, powerful word of Truth into woman’s hearts. Holy Spirit I need You to help me to stay true, to nudge me when I may feel more like saving than I do equipping. Thank you Father that in these five in half years I have never lost my fire for you, that my passion and excitement for Your work in my life and our walk together has remained despite the trails. I praise and pray for all of these things in your mighty sons name, Christ Jesus. AMEN! 

 “God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” 2 Corinthians 1-4 MSG

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be matured and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 NIV