Hopeful purpose from Hopeless brutality

My choice is you, God, first and only.
    And now I find I’m your choice!
You set me up with a house and yard.
    And then you made me your heir!

The wise counsel God gives when I’m awake
    is confirmed by my sleeping heart.
Day and night I’ll stick with God;
    I’ve got a good thing going and I’m not letting go. Psalm 16:5-8 MSG

The key always scratched the lock as my hand trembled; my shoulders sank so far forward I would strain my neck to look up, my face drenched and cheeks burned from the sudden frown and the cold hopelessness crackled inside of my heart. I wanted to walk in and greet my man with a warm kiss but I would know by the lightening if I should make it a quick peck. I wanted to make a feast for my man, cooking had been a secret talent that was hidden until I had someone to really cook for but would we even make it to dinner? I wanted to snuggle on the couch, my head in his lap as we watched TV, cuddled so close I could feel his laughter going through my body but it had been so long since he laughed. I wanted to lay out his work clothes and catch a nap with him before he had to get ready for work and I went to bed for the night but by then I would be passed out from pain, if I was lucky. I would call him halfway home from work, telling him I had just left so I could have five minutes to open that door and to dry up those tears.  It wasn’t a matter of him being home, he was always home waiting for me. I had our only car, and even before the illness he preferred to be home unless I was with him. Before the illness the opposites of us made us so special and close. He worked graveyard and preferred being alone and unnoticed in public, I was the life of the party even if I didn’t want to be and my laugh made me noticed everywhere I went. It was a matter of medicine, had he flushed his antipsychotics again today? Would I be able to flinch soon enough and angle whatever physical blow he may throw hit a hidden spot on my body or would the assault remain preferably but still brutally verbal?

I didn’t know Jesus the nine months I stayed with my abusive husband. I don’t know if I would have stayed as long, put up with as much but I doubt it. The Jesus girl saving Grace made me is confident, full of hope and faith and most of the time burns with holy discontent over something like this that I don’t think I could have stayed. Of course the girl I was before saving grace never thought she would be abused but I was in three different relationships that spanned two decades. I imagine those five minutes of frustrated peace would have been filled with frantic prayers, prayers for protection, prayers for hope and peace. I didn’t believe in God then, and hadn’t reached the moment of desperation that I finally gave prayer a shot. That moment didn’t come until two months after I was free from my husband and still ached for the old him. I think back at those terror filled nine months and see how God was with me despite my lack of faith and I am awed that the Lord protected me, waiting eagerly for me to come to Him with the nothing that was left.  While I have moments of doubt that I am worthy of God listening to me, may still avoid silence and am known to throw a pity party over my health I don’t get staying in places where God is trying reach you but you won’t reach back. We must always be moving, willing to grab hold of His promises and cling to His truth. I only get stuck in loops of sadness, when I don’t read His word daily or speak with Him. When I have my quite time with God no matter how I feel there is always SONlight shining through the darkness!

⁴ Have you gone through all of this for nothing? Is it all really for nothing? ⁵ God gives you his Spirit and works miracles in you. But does he do this because you obey the Law of Moses or because you have heard about Christ and have faith in him?⁶ The Scriptures say that God accepted Abraham because Abraham had faith. Galatians 3:4-6 CEV

Confession: I am a time slayer!

Confession: I am a time slayer!

Sure my oxygen can be sparse making me lethargic, there may be pain radiating from my lower back and through my right hip that would blow that silly pain level chart off the wall and of course I believe the lie that watching TV is relaxing to a weary and worn out self, I raised myself that way after all. For all my mother wasn’t she is a hard, dedicated and over committed worker. I come from a land of worker bees, usually our work ethic makes whatever menial job we are doing appear super human. We work with our whole bodies earning just enough to get by and miss out on the rest of life to provide.  So, when my brother and I got home from school I was his caretaker and provided his interpersonal stability. Neither of us liked silence or light. We would come home and want to close the blinds, turn on the TV and decompress. We ate either by ourselves in our rooms while watching TV or together in my room while watching TV. My Mom’s live in boyfriend didn’t want to share meals as a family; those characters on the screen became family. I even once suffered from terrifying nightmares that if I died there would be no one to watch my shows and then those people would disappear, now that I know what a panic attack is, I know I woke up from those dreams barely able to breathe as I feared I would be killing someone I loved. I was a smart kid and I knew it wasn’t true but when you grow attached reason isn’t a priority.

TV did have some real value to my brother and I, it was a way for me to challenge the limits that were placed on him. I had him watching complicated storylines so he could develop social skills I knew he wasn’t getting at school or after. I wanted him to understand relationships since all he really had was me and my Mom who was either working or kept from us by that boyfriend. It is possible to live in a small home and feel completely isolated from someone you love. But, even that is just another excuse to keep the TV on now. I could have helped him be a better reader, I taught him how to swim when no one thought it was possible, I should have been opening the books I loved and helped him process the words. Eventually, that was one of two ways I got my brother to be intrigued by Jesus, reading to him from the Bible – it didn’t matter what I read as long as I was reading it out loud and he was being soothed by my voice like when he was little.

 When I was working I would do the same thing when I got home from a long day, turn on the TV before anything else. I was compelled out of habit and need. I needed the noise; I struggle still eating a meal with the TV off when I am alone. Now, if I am able to be out and about for a couple hours or even a whole day (rare as those days are) I do the same thing, walk in and turn on the blasted TV! I know that what gives me peace, joy, true comfort, happiness and fulfillment would be turning on worship music or a sermon online but I don’t make that choice often enough. And, of course now there is the curse of too much time on my hands. Time that is often filled with pain and sickness so once the TV goes on in the “morning” after my Jesus time it usually stays on for hours and I sink lower and lower in the couch, wrapped in my coziest blanket hating myself for killing that precious time, because I know God has me here, still, for a reason. I can go weeks were I utilize my time well, where I challenge myself to set goals that keep me from wasting time but something always pulls me back in.

The TV is my anti-comfort that I turn to and then shame myself for it. Then there is the secrecy of this. I don’t admit often enough that I am suffering from this affliction. I let people assume my day is filled with Jesus time when in actuality I only have my time in the morning which amounts to an hour or less and my time in the evening before bed which is about the same. I want help and I am surrounded by amazing brothers and sisters in Christ who I know wouldn’t judge me and would keep me accountable but instead I listen to the lie that I am disgusting because I watch too much TV! I am no longer going to let this happen. I know that TV time is not a crime and if I have control over my time I will be successful because it is what God wants for me. 

The Lord has done it this very day;
    let us rejoice today and be glad.

                                                                           Psalm 118:24 NIV

Today, November 10, 2014, is a new day the Lord has made for me to be #TheBestYes girl who loves Jesus with her whole heart and wants desperately for every second of her life be dedicated to glorifying God. I love how God puts this on my heart to do this week, a week that only happens every 3-5 weeks when my Mom, Nana and family Dawg come to visit and the four of us are seriously limited on space (I live in a studio apartment) and while I love having my Jesus time when they are here because it exposes them to the love of the Lord which they don’t get anywhere else, unless they come to my home church, it is difficult to give much of myself to anything but time with my Mom which is now special and wholly devoted to her only living child. Losing my brother changed her priorities and perspective in amazing ways. But, that doesn’t matter because the basic commitment is still achievable with them here, even time with the TV off and just talking with my Mom counts in my book, this week as time well spent glorifying God. 

^21-25 Thank you for responding to me;
    you’ve truly become my salvation!
The stone the masons discarded as flawed
    is now the capstone!
This is God’s work.
    We rub our eyes—we can hardly believe it! This is the very day God acted—
    let’s celebrate and be festive!
Salvation now, God. Salvation now!
    Oh yes, God—a free and full life!

Psalm 118:21-25 MSG

GOALS: 

 Purple Post-it Note right on the remote I slay with!

I am goal orientated people person, I know complicated! Post this list on the freezer door (I drink 150 ounces of water a day and use three trays of ice cubes in the process and I won't have an excuse to slay any longer!

Finding the root cause...week 5 of #TheBestYes

“If people pleasing were my goal, I would never be Christ’s servant,” Galatians 1:10 NLT

“The fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe, “Proverbs 29:25 NIV

Is the disease to please in anyone’s DNA, is it passed down through the nurture or lack thereof, through the generations of your family and not in your very nature?

I lived in a protective bubble the first four years of my life. My maternal grandfather was twenty one years older than my grandmother and from the moment he met me he decided he was going to utilize every moment he had with me because he just knew it wasn’t going to be much. This bubble had me on the outside of the demons in my family, it kept me blinded from the dangerous darkness that was lurking, waiting to punish me. I knew something was there, always feeling the cool and empty touch of my Uncle, seeing that my Father wasn’t welcome at family functions and when allowed there was a stink of hatred in the air but my Poppi kept me close and those enemies in my family as far away as he could. It is no wonder that when he died January of my fourth year I turned to God and declared war, I knew the charmed life I had was over, I knew something evil was coming for me and I told God he was a real jerk (not the word I really used) for only giving me protection for such a short time. I was a terrified, lonely and entirely too intelligent for my own good. So, I shook my small fists to heaven, put my head down, and hunched my shoulders preparing myself for this unknown battle in front of me.  Within weeks I knew what was so foul in my family, what was hated do deeply that we were feared in our neighborhood, because if you can feel this way about your own blood who knows how dangerous you really are: it was me. Turned out my beautifully unique, tan all year round skin tone and my midnight black hair were a constant reminder that I was not “pure blooded.” That when my Mother got pregnant with me at 18 she had chosen someone unlike anyone she ever had a chance to know until she started a city community college. We were a proud South Side Irish family. My Uncle the unofficial Mayor of an intentionally all-white neighborhood in Chicago and she had chosen a man who had recently come from Guatemala. By my fifth birthday, six months after I lost my Poppi, I knew that after two attempts to have me aborted my Nana and Poppi stopped speaking to my Mother throughout the rest of her pregnancy, that my Uncle upon being told I was on the way threw her down a flight of concrete stairs.
I was no longer gushed on I was gagged over. I was treated as a servant: only being accepted if I watched the other kids, made drinks, lit cigarettes, grabbed snacks, change the channel, allowed my Uncle and his extended family and friends to ridicule how I looked and bash my father, who at this point I considered scum as well for doing this to me, for making me so disgusting. Growing up the only time I was wanted was when I was doing something for my family more of the same but also as I grew older rides, bail money, an alibi. My Mom was so desperate for their forgiveness and love she never stood up for me and eventually my brother. The greatest gift my family ever gave me was letting me take it all and leave my helpless and doubly defective brother alone for the most part.

When I was saved by grace I first thought people pleasing or my issue with codependency was a part of my molecular being, it had to be after watching my pathetic Mother. As I have gotten closer to God and have more victory over this disease to please I see that I am not this way when the people around me aren’t demanding with their actions I be. When I am around healthy, Christ centered people I don’t grovel at their feet but walk beside them. The past four weeks at my home church the sermon series has been unmasking us from our shame, insecurities and today on overcoming our need to please. This past week with my online Bible study, #TheBestYes we also tackled this hard topic and for months God has been rewiring me to stop seeing myself as that rejected girl and accept myself as His chosen daughter, He has repeated this message to get deep down to the root lie that happened months into my conception: that I didn’t belong in this world and my existence ruined lives. God’s truth is clear; he formed me in my Mother’s womb, chose the very time and place I would be born and planed this fabulous skin tone of mine. The verse of the week for my online Bible Study, “If people pleasing were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant,” and I am proudly, passionately and born to be Christ’s servant. I will let God choose who I surround myself with, I will let God guide my choices, my words, my friends and every other moment of my life. You probably are wondering how I went from being that four year old girl who declared war on God to a disciple. How I can thank God for decades of that pain and harshness. I no longer fear man, I trust God and know God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I was saved by grace the moment I needed to be and every moment of my youth can be used to glorify Him and redeem me!

 “When someone makes a request of you, you should be able to make that decision without emotional consequences. And if you anticipate that telling them no will make them not like you – then you saying yes isn’t going to help that situation. It just won’t.” Lysa TerKeurst in “The Best Yes”

#TheBestYes, Week 4 a peak into The Day in the Life of Me

^1-3 God, my shepherd!
    I don’t need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
    you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
    you let me catch my breath
    and send me in the right direction. Psalm 23 (MSG)

It is incredibly frustrating and sometimes hurtful to see messages on FB, Twitter and TV commercials about people wanting to sleep 23 hours a day like the Koala bear or hibernate so that can have a chance to be rested, get away from the world for a bit and be able to hide away. That kind of life is a burden, it has its incredible blessings as well but for the most part no one would really want to do this for more than a weekend, trust me.

 I have lived the crazy life style, worked 13+ hour days, had people to get from here to there, dinner to make, dishes and laundry that no one else was going to do and oh yea maybe a moment for me in all the craziness. Now, my life is free from the rushing about but the tradeoff is being a prisoner in my home because of my health issues. I am blessed to have hours with God every day, the only thing standing in the way of my God time is my selfish desires and tendency to lounge when I am sickly but it can also be a burden to have time with others be limited because they carry the outside world on them no matter how cautious we may try to be.

I wake up when my body and God tell me it is time, I roll over and turn off my oxygen sleeping mask and tell God I love him and Good Morning even if it is late into the afternoon. I read my YouVersion Bible App verse of the day and then read a secular grief devo, a Max Lucado devo, two Beth Moore devos and Jesus Calling. I make sure to read scripture out loud and fill my room with the power and truth of His mighty word. I make breakfast\lunch or what for me is usually first meal out of two, watch a TV show or two and then proceed to spend the next few hours either in Bible Study with P31, preparing for one of very few times out of the house every month to my face to face Bible Study, study God’s word for myself, read devotionals, books and watch sermons. Occasionally meal two or dinner is with a friend who has come over bringing something delicious or we enjoy my cooking which I love to do but aren’t always strong enough to. I then watch a bit more TV and settle in for my evening time with the Lord which ends with me placing my head on the pillow and the YouVersion Bible App reading scripture to me thorough my yearly Bible in a year reading plan.

Yes, I get to have a close, unrushed, intimate relationship with God but I also don’t get to be out in the world sharing His good news, fellowshipping, supporting myself, go grocery shopping for myself or just take a drive and breathe in God’s beautiful earth. I struggle when we do Bible study about rushed lives because the enemy tells me I am a joke, I can’t relate to being overwhelmed in this world anymore but I God’s truth pours into me and reminds me that I did once live that way and if He chooses to heal me of my terminal illness I will need to be equipped to go into the world once again making #TheBestYes decisions, Holy decisions while fearing and honoring God and His wisdom for my life. If God doesn’t heal me until Heaven I can still and do still minister from my bed and couch to woman who are out in the world and don’t always make time to open their Bibles every day, I can pour into them with emails and texts that have God’s word and other Christian encouragement for them, taking them out of their hectic day. God is Good all the time, all the time God is good!

“I will not let the awkward disappointments of others keep me from my Best Yes appointments with God.” Chapter 12, page 144 of “The Best Yes” by Lysa TerKeurst