Confession: I am a time slayer!

Confession: I am a time slayer!

Sure my oxygen can be sparse making me lethargic, there may be pain radiating from my lower back and through my right hip that would blow that silly pain level chart off the wall and of course I believe the lie that watching TV is relaxing to a weary and worn out self, I raised myself that way after all. For all my mother wasn’t she is a hard, dedicated and over committed worker. I come from a land of worker bees, usually our work ethic makes whatever menial job we are doing appear super human. We work with our whole bodies earning just enough to get by and miss out on the rest of life to provide.  So, when my brother and I got home from school I was his caretaker and provided his interpersonal stability. Neither of us liked silence or light. We would come home and want to close the blinds, turn on the TV and decompress. We ate either by ourselves in our rooms while watching TV or together in my room while watching TV. My Mom’s live in boyfriend didn’t want to share meals as a family; those characters on the screen became family. I even once suffered from terrifying nightmares that if I died there would be no one to watch my shows and then those people would disappear, now that I know what a panic attack is, I know I woke up from those dreams barely able to breathe as I feared I would be killing someone I loved. I was a smart kid and I knew it wasn’t true but when you grow attached reason isn’t a priority.

TV did have some real value to my brother and I, it was a way for me to challenge the limits that were placed on him. I had him watching complicated storylines so he could develop social skills I knew he wasn’t getting at school or after. I wanted him to understand relationships since all he really had was me and my Mom who was either working or kept from us by that boyfriend. It is possible to live in a small home and feel completely isolated from someone you love. But, even that is just another excuse to keep the TV on now. I could have helped him be a better reader, I taught him how to swim when no one thought it was possible, I should have been opening the books I loved and helped him process the words. Eventually, that was one of two ways I got my brother to be intrigued by Jesus, reading to him from the Bible – it didn’t matter what I read as long as I was reading it out loud and he was being soothed by my voice like when he was little.

 When I was working I would do the same thing when I got home from a long day, turn on the TV before anything else. I was compelled out of habit and need. I needed the noise; I struggle still eating a meal with the TV off when I am alone. Now, if I am able to be out and about for a couple hours or even a whole day (rare as those days are) I do the same thing, walk in and turn on the blasted TV! I know that what gives me peace, joy, true comfort, happiness and fulfillment would be turning on worship music or a sermon online but I don’t make that choice often enough. And, of course now there is the curse of too much time on my hands. Time that is often filled with pain and sickness so once the TV goes on in the “morning” after my Jesus time it usually stays on for hours and I sink lower and lower in the couch, wrapped in my coziest blanket hating myself for killing that precious time, because I know God has me here, still, for a reason. I can go weeks were I utilize my time well, where I challenge myself to set goals that keep me from wasting time but something always pulls me back in.

The TV is my anti-comfort that I turn to and then shame myself for it. Then there is the secrecy of this. I don’t admit often enough that I am suffering from this affliction. I let people assume my day is filled with Jesus time when in actuality I only have my time in the morning which amounts to an hour or less and my time in the evening before bed which is about the same. I want help and I am surrounded by amazing brothers and sisters in Christ who I know wouldn’t judge me and would keep me accountable but instead I listen to the lie that I am disgusting because I watch too much TV! I am no longer going to let this happen. I know that TV time is not a crime and if I have control over my time I will be successful because it is what God wants for me. 

The Lord has done it this very day;
    let us rejoice today and be glad.

                                                                           Psalm 118:24 NIV

Today, November 10, 2014, is a new day the Lord has made for me to be #TheBestYes girl who loves Jesus with her whole heart and wants desperately for every second of her life be dedicated to glorifying God. I love how God puts this on my heart to do this week, a week that only happens every 3-5 weeks when my Mom, Nana and family Dawg come to visit and the four of us are seriously limited on space (I live in a studio apartment) and while I love having my Jesus time when they are here because it exposes them to the love of the Lord which they don’t get anywhere else, unless they come to my home church, it is difficult to give much of myself to anything but time with my Mom which is now special and wholly devoted to her only living child. Losing my brother changed her priorities and perspective in amazing ways. But, that doesn’t matter because the basic commitment is still achievable with them here, even time with the TV off and just talking with my Mom counts in my book, this week as time well spent glorifying God. 

^21-25 Thank you for responding to me;
    you’ve truly become my salvation!
The stone the masons discarded as flawed
    is now the capstone!
This is God’s work.
    We rub our eyes—we can hardly believe it! This is the very day God acted—
    let’s celebrate and be festive!
Salvation now, God. Salvation now!
    Oh yes, God—a free and full life!

Psalm 118:21-25 MSG

GOALS: 

 Purple Post-it Note right on the remote I slay with!

I am goal orientated people person, I know complicated! Post this list on the freezer door (I drink 150 ounces of water a day and use three trays of ice cubes in the process and I won't have an excuse to slay any longer!