HOPE in King David’s confession…

   

Yesterday I confessed how poor choices led to my Spiritual slump and concluded my post saying:

This January I will be saved for seven years, up until this past month I had never experienced a Spiritual slump, as I grew in my faith and fell deeper in love with Jesus I thought it would never happen. I was wrong and I think I understand humility better now than I ever could before. Why wouldn’t I have a Spiritual slump, even King David chose the pleasures in front of Him over God and he was a man after God’s own heart.

    Today we are going to take a deeper look at David’s poor trade of pleasure over God’s calling for his life. Pastor of Life.Church Craig Groeschel writes, “No one would’ve predicted the Goliath killer would end up so far from God that he’d shrink his royal duties, have an affair with a married woman, and have his lover’s husband killed. Sadly, it’s surprisingly easy to lose our enthusiasm. All you really have to do - is forget where it comes from. Forgetting God is easy, but it has the saddest consequences. Today, choose to focus on Him so you don’t forget how exciting it is to run toward His calling.” You can find the whole sordid tale of David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11 and 12.

    David didn’t immediately recognize the error of his ways and repent, he was like most all of us are stubborn and reluctant until a trusted advisor, confidant and friend went to David and spoke hard truths to him. David’s eventual confession and groans of repentance are written as Psalm 51. As I was studying Psalm 51 I realized one of my favorite worship leaders, Travis Cottrell (he just follows Beth Moore herself around the country) also sings the hymn, “Just as I am” which was written as a reflection of Psalm 51 and, of course, I  share the beautiful cover below.

    God knew I needed to hear the messages from yesterday more than once which is why He had me read these words today in the MSG version of Psalm 51, “Don’t throw me out with the trash, or fail to breathe holiness in me.” Yesterday one of my major revelations was that God did not only breathe life into us He is also the breath of life! The MSG version also states, “I learned God worship when my pride was shattered.” These past few weeks and having to confess my sloth and spiritual slump to my dearest friends was the most humbling experience of my life but I feel refreshed, renewed and ready to worship God by living as His servant and obeying His call on my life.

    Even at my worst over the last 6.5 years of my faith journey I have never lost HOPE, I have failed and grieved God, I have been hurt and sinned gravely but my HOPE has always been left standing. I believe the only reason that is possible is because I embrace confession. I know that when my fleshly instincts have me isolating what God needs me to do is reach out for help. I know that no matter how deep my pit may be that God’s light shines brightly as my beacon of HOPE, lighting my path to confession and repentance.  The Bible is many things but one of the most powerful aspects is that it is a treasure map leading us to HOPE by giving us a guide for how to do life and gives us people\characters to relate to that both fail and succeed.

In my quest to overcome addictions God placed two Spirit driven recovery programs in my path: Celebrate Recovery (CR) and Re:Generation. Victory over addictions cannot happen unless you confess and repent. Principle four of eight in CR states, “Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God and to someone I trust. ‘Blessed are the pure in heart.’ Matthew 5:8.” Re:Gen’s step 5 states, “We confess to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of ours sins.” Re:Gen’s foundation 4 is Psalm 51:6, “Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.”

    Is there something you are keeping to yourself but you can feel the Spirit moving you to confess? Are you hiding out or behind a mask? Are you afraid no one will understand? Have you been hurt before by confessing to mere humans? Bethany Boring a #P31OBS sister shared this yesterday, “Stop and breathe in the breath of God! No matter where you are or what the circumstances are. See God in the stillness and chaos of life.” Maybe you still doubt; she is human too after all but look what was waiting for me as I studied our Psalm today, again from the MSG version, “Shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.” Oh, I should probably tell you she was speaking of Genesis when she asked us to stop and take God’s breath in! Will you join me in finding and strengthening your HOPE today by confessing to God and someone else exactly what is going on with you?

Just as I am - Travis Cottrell

HOPE in confession

Dearest Reader,

I have been stuck in a guilt and shame spiral that has left me feeling isolated and frustrated and so paralyzed by it I haven’t written here in weeks.

 I have a list of excuses that I am sure most of you would sympathize with, understand,  encourage me through and comfort me as well but the truth is I let those excuses define me for weeks and that label limited my perspective to one of defeat. I was not living my HOPE message out; I was not relying on God’s strength and power to respond to the calling He has laid on my heart.

Recently Lysa TerKeurst wrote, “Don’t give up what you want long term for what feels good short term. Avoid the terrible trade.” I chose to make that terrible trade EVERY day for the past FOUR weeks. I would do the bare minimum to feel connected to the God who made the universe, who created every creature on this planet and fashioned the stars. I chose lying around on the couch, watching MINDLESS TV and shutting my mind off. I actually entertained this thought, “I spend more time with You every morning than most people do in a week. We are connected, I am serving with #P31OBS, I don’t have any truly terrible vices anymore so why can’t I just chillax.” BUT GOD – He is always present, always near, always patient and loving and full of Grace and Mercy.

          When I got home from my amazing Joyce Meyer #JesusGals weekend I was on fire for God in a way I had not experienced before, I had a treasure chest of truth and love opened for me that weekend but I came home and reverted back to an old bad habit and made a terrible trade! While I have made major changes to my life because of my most recent #P31OBS #TameYourList study I traded the most important change for emptiness. I knew it was happening, my last couple Blog posts were written from a place of hopeful desperation. I wanted to believe I would do the right thing, I wanted to turn to God to break me of the old bad habit starting to form again, I thought I had enough Holy fear of disappointing God and my writing accountability partner that I would push though the temptation. But it didn’t happen. Instead I stood (rather lounged around) in my own way. I was not sick enough to completely check out for more than a few days, however, I don’t anyone to think that those of us who are chronically ill can just will themselves to feel better but I know what I should have accomplished even if I was too sick to write. I could have at least filled most of my time with worship music, had a book in hand as I laid back. I could have listened or watched sermons and messages to FILL Me up and not empty me. The sort of TV I was watch drains me and keeps me from glorifying God even when I am ill.  

Last night as I went through my end of the day rituals: brushing my teeth, taking meds, washing my face, filling ice trays and water glasses, shutting off the lights, filling my sleep machine with fresh distilled water, applying essential oils to help manage my breathing and mucus issues and finally crawled into bed to have my nightly Jesus time I was feeling a pull in my heart. I was FINALLY ready to turn to God and let Him stretch me, mold me, use me and cleanse me. I clicked on my YouVersion APP and read cleansing words that convicted me in the most freeing way and a message became clear over the next ten hours as I woke up for a morning Jesus, wrote a lengthy entry in my prayer journal for the first time in four weeks. As I dialed in for #P31OBS ministry all call I was ready to sit down and write but I knew God was calling me to confess what I had been hiding for a month: I was breathing stale air, and I certainly understand how vital a breath of fresh, clean air can be. I had not stopped to breathe in God but had just stopped spiritually breathing. God has given me a great faith, a faith that is excited and most of the time on fire for Him but I had stopped being enthusiastic for my God and just wanted it to happen for me. Even though I have had so many rewards and blessings showered upon me the past few months I had stopped dreaming and being in AWE of my God. I was riddled with guilt and shame because of it which sets me on a merry-go-round sort of life: going somewhere but getting nowhere! I relied on the passion I HAD for God’s word to get me through the last week of my #P31OBS study and #BibleStudyLive but once that was used up I had not replaced it with a continued passion.

This January I will be saved for seven years, up until this past month I had never experienced a Spiritual slump, as I grew in my faith and fell deeper in love with Jesus I thought it would never happen. I was wrong and I think I understand humility better now than I ever could before. Why wouldn’t I have a Spiritual slump, even King David chose the pleasures in front of Him over God and he was a man after God’s own heart.  

I still have my 24 blog goal to meet by November 8th ; my slothfulness has made that goal difficult but not impossible. I will be back to share more of King David’s story tomorrow and how my HOPE is renewed in my confession today and by humility.

    I have my local worship station playing and two songs have jumped out to me as I was writing. The first is my favorite song of all time, I get God-bumps every time I hear it and have a catch in my throat each time I sing it. I love the second song because it is spot on - from the title on, it is what we Believe!

Downhere-How Many Kings

Newsboys - We Believe

My Journey of HOPE: Hope in Celibacy

I have shared with you that I am a recovering addict and I didn’t have just one vice, no I was a multiple vice kinda gal: alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and men.

Because of God's redemptive work in me and through His strength I have been clean and sober from all of these vices for years.

Each of these issues was a separate battle to sobriety and I often say that cigarettes was the hardest to break and even though I only have one functioning lung and spend most days so exhausted and out of breathe I can’t leave the house I would have another drag if I really knew I only had a few moments left on earth. The truth is men were the hardest to quit. I never cared for relationships, I have seen my share of love gone wrong; instead I loved the chase, being able to enthral a man through my sharp wit, beautiful face and interesting life experiences. However, I never cared much for the physicality of men, for sex. I was technically a virgin until I was 24 and it was mostly because I liked the control it gave me over men. I would only let things go so far and then would watch them suffer. I never planned or wanted to be married, I never experienced that part of growing up where I obsessed about Mr. Right and nor dreamt about my wedding day. To me love meant failure, abuse, conditions, confusion and pain. I never imagined a man would come along and save me either; it was me against the world.

However, when my marriage fell apart in such a colossal, albeit unique way and even though I had opened myself up to Jesus and started a relationship with Him the first 22 months of my relationship with Jesus I was my most salacious. I went from finding love in a way I never thought possible after spending most of my life punishing my conquests for the failings of the men in my life to losing that love and then letting men use me. I knew exactly what I was doing and why, I knew that I wanted to be chastised for the life I had lived, for failing my husband and baby brother who also finally had a man in his life he loved and trusted. My brother died never knowing what had really happened between Mark and I because I was that desperate to keep my brother from being devastated by yet another man. Because I love to learn I knew what I was doing with my body was devastating to my Lord, I would spend hours, sometimes even overnight in a heap of guilt, shame and tears on my kitchen floor afterwards. My behavior was so over the top my first home church and my small group\Bible Study asked me to leave until I changed my behavior and repented...to them first and then God.

I walked into Heartland Community Church October 2010 with this scarlet letter A on me but I was also desperate to get out of that sin cycle. I wanted a real relationship with Jesus, I wanted what I had read about in His word to be true for me, I wanted to honor and glorify Him with my body and life. I knew that I was being deceived and wanted that liar out of my life. That first Sunday Pastor Roger Pryor’s message was on Luke 15:1-2 and how Jesus hung out with, ate with and ministered to sinners; even tax collectors and prostitutes and I certainly felt like a prostitute at that point in my life. Less than a month later I was in two new small groups\life groups\Bible studies and even though it was not in her character to call someone out in front of others my leader looked at me and said, “I know you are hiding something, God wants you to confess and promises we won’t abandon you because He hasn’t.” I confessed that night and in my other life group found my first ever forever friend and accountability partner and as Heaven and God rejoiced over my confession and with the help of those new friends, a Christian Counselor and a magnificent God who redeems, forgives, love and offers grace and mercy I ended my last sexual relationship. I still struggled with flirting, was confused at the promise of unrequited love - it took another year of dying to myself every second of every day, digging deep into Scripture and accepting God’s forgiveness before I hear God’s calling on my life: celibacy.

The time I have left on earth is more precious to me than to most, while God is capable of healing me completely now I truly feel He has given me this time limit for a reason. I am due home sooner than the world deems acceptable. I don’t always do a great job of utilizing this time I have, I have wasted days “resting” while I let the TV play mindless garbage. I have harbored unforgiveness for my past and toward my family or origin and to others who have hurt me more recently. I still even struggle with doubt even though I know I am chosen, anointed, appointed, equipped, loved and God’s child. Because of the shortened time I have celibacy means more to me than just abstaining from sex or marriage for the rest of my life. Celibacy frees me to truly be married to Jesus, to be free of the worldly desire to find love because I am already more loved than I ever dreamed about as a child. It allows me to be Christ’s bride every day, to wake up each morning and know that my husband protected and renewed me as I slept, is waiting anxiously for me to wake up so we can have glorious time together before I face the world and it has freed me from the social pressures of being a single, 30 something gal.

I do not think celibacy is the answer for every single\divorced\widower out there but my journey to celibacy began as a calling to purity. I set a boundary for myself and commitment to God that I would not actively engage with men for a set period of time and knew my interactions with men would be limited to group settings and that I had to be completely transparent with my accountability partner, and God gave me tough but loving accountability partner! I wore a purity ring during that first year everyday as physical reminder of my commitment that says, “Today, I promise I will wait agreeing to stay pure, because I know God loves me and His blessings is in store.” I had never been with a Godly man, had never experienced a romantic relationship that the Lord had set up and I knew I first had to be pure, in preparation for the possibility of that experience before I ever would be ready for any man the Lord may have for me. Instead of being made right for just any man I was being made right for Jesus.

As I spend time with Jesus and pray over what to write about, knowing that God wants me to share my journey of HOPE with you I realized that my HOPE was most strengthened by my choice and God’s calling of celibacy on my life. That I have never loved myself more (even though i still have my moments of doubt), wake up each morning feeling God’s presence right there in bed with me and love life, which until three years ago had never felt before. I woke up most every morning disgusted with myself, not feeling I should waste the space on this planet and wishing I had never woken up.

Is there something God is calling you to give up that will strengthen your relationship with Jesus but  you just can’t imagine living without? Something that even seems crazy? I know when I use the word celibacy in conversation with those who don’t my testimony their eyes go wider and their mouths drop+ a bit. Hear me, it isn’t crazy as the world defines it - it is radical obedience to the one who gave His life to be in relationship with you!

“I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.” Romans 7:15-24 The Message

Leeland - Pure Bride

My Journey of HOPE

“For the word of God is alive and powerful.

 It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit,

 between joint and marrow.

 It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.”  

Hebrews 4:12 NLT

My heavy heart is in desperate need of a HOPE reboot.

I have been frustrated this past week and frustration is not an emotional I handle well. To me it is the opposite of HOPE and goes against the core of who I am in Christ. The more frustrated I am with my health the weaker I become physically. I learned this years ago, I normally have my moments with frustration but find freedom in my time with God. That has not happened.

I am currently experiencing the life God has for me to live, have been blessed to serve with #P31OBS this past year and led my first #BibleStudyLife event from the start of one of my most Holy and Joy filled weekends of my life. Which is exactly why I am frustrated with my frustration.

Oh and my current state of frustration has brought friends along for the ride: shame, guilt and isolation. Shame that I dare feel this way when all of these amazing blessings are happening. Guilt that I am not living my current unhealthy state for God’s glory but instead sulking in what the exhaustion and lung stress have taken away from me. I am choosing physical isolation because the deep, dark secret is that while God did make me the bubbly, social butterfly who loves to flit around encouraging, motivating and empowering others with God’s word and in God’s strength I also have this social anxiety riddling me with social fatigue at the thought of having to face anyone else anytime soon.  

The truth is I know why this bout of illness feels so different. Why I have held onto this frustration longer than I ever have as a Christ follow. My Mom and her most recent visit.

Before I share that heartbreak with you (which will be in my next Blog Post) I want to share that even though I feel so “blue” I know these are feelings I am choosing to have. I have not given up my time with the Lord, I still begin each morning with Him and I do hear and receive His life giving words. I still have worship music blaring throughout the day and today was blessed to get a sneak peak at the first three chapters of #WorthyofaMircle by Linda Kuhar. I still spend the last hour or more with God to wind down and I am still falling to sleep as His word is being read to me thanks to the YouVersion APP; after all that is the only way I can sleep soundly and not be bombarded with flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms.

I have not lost my HOPE nor do I feel HOPELESS. I know these feelings are fleeting and fickle. While spending time studying the #P31OBS #TameYourList verse of the week I was encouraged and motivated knowing that God knows this deep sorrow, He understands my pain and longs for me to stop choosing darkness when I have so much light around me. No matter how long I hold onto this my Lord is there, shining that light over me and waiting patiently for me to abandon this hurt. I am choosing bondage in this moment but the process of walking in Faith gives me HOPE knowing I am free In Christ, that by putting my faith in Jesus everyday I can trust Him to be the same, yesterday, today and forever. My Quest NIV Study Bible gives this insight about Hebrews 4:12, “God’s word is more than letters on a page, it is alive with God’s Spirit and power.” I love knowing that even when I am in an emotional funk like this, I still have unlimited access to His word and even if it isn’t showing, spending time in  His word is filling me up and equipping me to make the next right choice.

This Worship song, “Everything Is Mine in You” by Christy Nockels was performed by Christy at the “Love Life” Women’s Conference I was blessed to attend and I knew it would be special to me, I just didn’t  realize how special until this emotional pit started to get deeper.

“Everything Is Mine in You” by Christy Nockels

 

 

My journey of HOPE

I haven’t met with you in far too long. I have perfectly valid excuses why I haven’t been able to write but the truth is I haven’t made my blog the priority. God has called me to share my thoughts on HOPE with you over the next couple months and instead of rejoicing in that calling I have, for the most part, treated it like a task to complete and not something I am equipped, anointed and appointed for.

I can honestly say that ends right now.

During my morning quiet time with Jesus (which for me was at 1 o'clock) I realized I had put certain rules in place that were keeping me from being free to write and sharing my heart with you and that were keeping me from obeying God.

I must always strive to apply God’s life giving word in my Blog but today He wants me to vulnerable, transparent and even brief. I don’t have to have a certain word count, I don’t have to make Jesus graphics or find a Worship song I need to just express myself and be obedient. When I let go of the list of self imposed demands on what my Blog needs to look like before I can sit down and write an excitement started to take over. In the next few posts I will be sharing with you what God laid on my heart this past weekend at the “Love Life” 2015 Joyce Meyer Women’s Conference in St. Louis, MO but I am also going to be open to how the Spirit moves.

         My Blog is and will always be about two things: my LOVE for Christ and the HOPE He gives me through wisdom, faith, love, grace, mercy, trails, pains, praises and thanksgiving. I am not writing for anyone of you but am grateful for each one of you who reads this. I am writing because God called me 34 years ago to write, I didn’t know it was Him then and didn’t see Him working in my life as He grew the dream of my four year old heart but I know now God’s plan started in that small dream. I am writing for Him, I am writing to express the redemption that came from one messy life. I am writing to share the HOPE I have in Christ to obey my Lord.

My journey of HOPE

¹⁴ The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
    I will protect those who trust in my name. ¹⁵ When they call on me, I will answer;
    I will be with them in trouble.
    I will rescue and honor them. ¹⁶ I will reward them with a long life
    and give them my salvation.”

Psalm 91:14-16 New Living Translation (NLT)

HOPE is a promise and gift from God but it is also a choice. My HOPE was once found in cutesy but fleeting things: stickers, butterflies and smiley faces to name a few. My HOPE is now rooted in every line of the Bible, the greatest love story ever written. Today I want to apply God’s character and promises to my life, to share with you how even in the hardest trail HOPE is waiting for you to embrace and live it out.

I most likely won’t have what the world considers a long life on earth but I believe the quality of this life God blessed me with matters far more than the number of years I have. Every day I have on earth I wake up knowing I am dying, I am blessed to know how precious time really is. However, as my friend Linda often reminds me we are all dying and that fact helps me to understand the rescue God is and promises in verse 14 and 15. Our ultimate rescue is in dying because of all the ways God is HOPE in my life the greatest is the promise of eternal life which is what verse 16 means to me.

 God is also protection and the world would define that protection as not having to experience trails but you can’t live on this planet, surrounded by the curse of sin and not have trails. God’s protection comes in the form of faith, of knowing that no matter what we face here, in our temporary home we have more than we are capable of imaging in Heaven, our true home.

Every moment of every day God is in my presence from the Holy Spirit living within me to Jesus at my side. The Holy Spirit prays for me and others even when I don’t have the words and I can speak to God at any moment and confidently know He is not only listening He is responding and answering. Those answers may not come in the way I would have chosen or in the timing I prefer but no prayer goes unanswered.

I often pray that I honor God and others with my words but until this moment I don’t think I realized that God promises to honor me! I had to look up the definition for honor and while I was sure it meant respect I couldn’t truly accept that is what God is saying here in verse 15 but it is! 

The Message Translation

The last word of Psalm 91:14-16 is salvation. My dictionary defines salvation as, “liberation from ignorance or illusion, preservation from destruction or failure and deliverance from danger or difficulty.” My favorite study Bible gives us the deeper, Godly meaning, “Deliverance from danger or death; especially deliverance from all that separates people from God.” I catch myself often saying, “the moment I was saved that just fell away.” I am referring to things like: rage, a decade long grudge, a fear of the dark and death and obviously my hatred of God. Because the moment I let God take over and I accepted Jesus into my heart I received salvation and while I still have moments of sin and doubt I will never again be separated from God!

Danny Gokey - Hope In Front of Me