“For the word of God is alive and powerful.
It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit,
between joint and marrow.
It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.”
Hebrews 4:12 NLT
My heavy heart is in desperate need of a HOPE reboot.
I have been frustrated this past week and frustration is not an emotional I handle well. To me it is the opposite of HOPE and goes against the core of who I am in Christ. The more frustrated I am with my health the weaker I become physically. I learned this years ago, I normally have my moments with frustration but find freedom in my time with God. That has not happened.
I am currently experiencing the life God has for me to live, have been blessed to serve with #P31OBS this past year and led my first #BibleStudyLife event from the start of one of my most Holy and Joy filled weekends of my life. Which is exactly why I am frustrated with my frustration.
Oh and my current state of frustration has brought friends along for the ride: shame, guilt and isolation. Shame that I dare feel this way when all of these amazing blessings are happening. Guilt that I am not living my current unhealthy state for God’s glory but instead sulking in what the exhaustion and lung stress have taken away from me. I am choosing physical isolation because the deep, dark secret is that while God did make me the bubbly, social butterfly who loves to flit around encouraging, motivating and empowering others with God’s word and in God’s strength I also have this social anxiety riddling me with social fatigue at the thought of having to face anyone else anytime soon.
The truth is I know why this bout of illness feels so different. Why I have held onto this frustration longer than I ever have as a Christ follow. My Mom and her most recent visit.
Before I share that heartbreak with you (which will be in my next Blog Post) I want to share that even though I feel so “blue” I know these are feelings I am choosing to have. I have not given up my time with the Lord, I still begin each morning with Him and I do hear and receive His life giving words. I still have worship music blaring throughout the day and today was blessed to get a sneak peak at the first three chapters of #WorthyofaMircle by Linda Kuhar. I still spend the last hour or more with God to wind down and I am still falling to sleep as His word is being read to me thanks to the YouVersion APP; after all that is the only way I can sleep soundly and not be bombarded with flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms.
I have not lost my HOPE nor do I feel HOPELESS. I know these feelings are fleeting and fickle. While spending time studying the #P31OBS #TameYourList verse of the week I was encouraged and motivated knowing that God knows this deep sorrow, He understands my pain and longs for me to stop choosing darkness when I have so much light around me. No matter how long I hold onto this my Lord is there, shining that light over me and waiting patiently for me to abandon this hurt. I am choosing bondage in this moment but the process of walking in Faith gives me HOPE knowing I am free In Christ, that by putting my faith in Jesus everyday I can trust Him to be the same, yesterday, today and forever. My Quest NIV Study Bible gives this insight about Hebrews 4:12, “God’s word is more than letters on a page, it is alive with God’s Spirit and power.” I love knowing that even when I am in an emotional funk like this, I still have unlimited access to His word and even if it isn’t showing, spending time in His word is filling me up and equipping me to make the next right choice.
This Worship song, “Everything Is Mine in You” by Christy Nockels was performed by Christy at the “Love Life” Women’s Conference I was blessed to attend and I knew it would be special to me, I just didn’t realize how special until this emotional pit started to get deeper.