Sunday, November 16, 2014

Hopeful purpose from Hopeless brutality

My choice is you, God, first and only.
    And now I find I’m your choice!
You set me up with a house and yard.
    And then you made me your heir!
The wise counsel God gives when I’m awake
    is confirmed by my sleeping heart.
Day and night I’ll stick with God;
    I’ve got a good thing going and I’m not letting go.
Psalm 16:5-8 MSG

The key always scratched the lock as my hand trembled; my shoulders sank so far forward I would strain my neck to look up, my face drenched and cheeks burned from the sudden frown and the cold hopelessness crackled inside of my heart. I wanted to walk in and greet my man with a warm kiss but I would know by the lightening if I should make it a quick peck. I wanted to make a feast for my man, cooking had been a secret talent that was hidden until I had someone to really cook for but would we even make it to dinner? I wanted to snuggle on the couch, my head in his lap as we watched TV, cuddled so close I could feel his laughter going through my body but it had been so long since he laughed. I wanted to lay out his work clothes and catch a nap with him before he had to get ready for work and I went to bed for the night but by then I would be passed out from pain, if I was lucky. I would call him halfway home from work, telling him I had just left so I could have five minutes to open that door and to dry up those tears.  It wasn’t a matter of him being home, he was always home waiting for me. I had our only car, and even before the illness he preferred to be home unless I was with him. Before the illness the opposites of us made us so special and close. He worked graveyard and preferred being alone and unnoticed in public, I was the life of the party even if I didn’t want to be and my laugh made me noticed everywhere I went. It was a matter of medicine, had he flushed his antipsychotics again today? Would I be able to flinch soon enough and angle whatever physical blow he may throw hit a hidden spot on my body or would the assault remain preferably but still brutally verbal?
I didn’t know Jesus the nine months I stayed with my abusive husband. I don’t know if I would have stayed as long, put up with as much but I doubt it. The Jesus girl saving Grace made me is confident, full of hope and faith and most of the time burns with holy discontent over something like this that I don’t think I could have stayed. Of course the girl I was before saving grace never thought she would be abused but I was in three different relationships that spanned two decades. I imagine those five minutes of frustrated peace would have been filled with frantic prayers, prayers for protection, prayers for hope and peace. I didn’t believe in God then, and hadn’t reached the moment of desperation that I finally gave prayer a shot. That moment didn’t come until two months after I was free from my husband and still ached for the old him. I think back at those terror filled nine months and see how God was with me despite my lack of faith and I am awed that the Lord protected me, waiting eagerly for me to come to Him with the nothing that was left.  While I have moments of doubt that I am worthy of God listening to me, may still avoid silence and am known to throw a pity party over my health I don’t get staying in places where God is trying reach you but you won’t reach back. We must always be moving, willing to grab hold of His promises and cling to His truth. I only get stuck in loops of sadness, when I don’t read His word daily or speak with Him. When I have my quite time with God no matter how I feel there is always SONlight shining through the darkness!

Have you gone through all of this for nothing? Is it all really for nothing? God gives you his Spirit and works miracles in you. But does he do this because you obey the Law of Moses or because you have heard about Christ and have faith in him?The Scriptures say that God accepted Abraham because Abraham had faith. Galatians 3:4-6 CEV


  1. Wow! I'm so very sry for all your pain. Your life is truly a living testament to what God can do in a heart that's willing to call out to Him. I'm speechless over His goodness in your life as well as sadness for all you've had to go thru in life. Be well and tremendously blessed my beloved friend :)

  2. thanks Melis for the wonderful sharing of your experiences, it is really encouraging and great reminder that we have a God of full of Miracles. When no one knows, He knows. When no one sees, He sees. When no one cares, He cares. When no one feels your pain, He feels and has so much compassion. Hugs